Anyway, here is my pitch for your perusal. I'm anxious to hear everyone's feedback. :)
Title: A SCARRED MIND
Genre: Adult Thriller
Word count: 79000
Pitch: Closeted
psychic Jake uses his gift for things like spoiling reality shows for his wife.
Once he’s foreseen a brutal murder, he must expose his secret to stop a killer,
even if it ruins him.
First 250 words:
Tears
left tracks through her flawless makeup as the woman cowered against the wall
in a dingy, dark room. Hands bound behind her, her voice hiccupped as she
sobbed. “Please. Don’t do this. Please.”
The
light of a bare bulb gleamed off the blade of a chef’s knife as the man
advanced toward her. She collapsed into ear-splitting screams, barely able to
catch her breath as she attempted to scurry away. The knife ripped into her
upper chest and then hacked into the left side of her neck.
“Sir? Are you okay?”
The teller’s voice brought
Jake sharply back to the reality of the bank. She paused, half of the bills
still in hand, the other half neatly stacked in front of her.
“Oh shit,” he blurted and
gripped the edge of the counter. The color drained from his face and nausea
tickled the insides of his mouth. Don’t
puke, he thought. That won’t save
her.
He
looked up at the teller, the woman he’d seen stabbed to death, and opened his
mouth in an attempt to explain but the words caught in his throat. What was he
supposed to say? Definitely not “I’m sorry for my profanity, ma’am. I just had
a vision in which you were viciously murdered by a scarred dude with a kitchen
knife.”
He
must’ve seemed like a nut, standing there, gaping at her.
She
stared back at him with a tight-lipped I’m
waiting expression. Why would anyone want to kill her in such a horrific
manner?
You know I love it, wombie!!! I foresee great things!!! #TeamGeorge ;)
ReplyDeleteI tripped a little over the word "closeted" but it might have just been me. Other wise the pitch was fantastic. I love when it tells the story and still has great voice. Interesting story!
ReplyDeleteThanks! :) I'm glad you liked it. I wondered about "closeted" being weird wording but I liked it so much I just went with it. May change in the future.
ReplyDeleteI really, really liked your first 250. You definitely pulled us right into the action. I agree with the comment earlier about the word 'closeted'. But the voice in the pitch and the excerpt pulled me in. Best of luck
ReplyDeleteKeep in mind I'm a lowly slush pile gal, but I like your pitch and the opening.
ReplyDeleteAs opposed to the other readers, I thing closeted is a great word. I think it connotes self-protection against scrutiny and the hope to prevent being identified by a single characteristic. Still, if the majority of people stumble, it's problematic.
I'd like the opening to start with what's normal about the MC. Opening with a vision can be difficult, I think, because the reader becomes invested in what's happening only to find out they were invested in a shadow. Perhaps there's a way to show us the MC's gift/curse in a humorous or everyday manner so that we invest immediately in the MC. Since I don't yet know the MC or the woman in the vision, I'm not as emotionally invested as I could be.
This is a great premise, and I wish you every good thing for your endeavors.
Oh, Amy, I love it! Best of luck with the competition xox
ReplyDeletePs I don't mind the word closeted!
Jen xox
Jen!! :) Thank you. I'm glad you like it. Haven't talked to you in a while - hope you're doing well. xoxo
DeleteThanks everyone for your comments & suggestions. I actually used to start the book with more about Jake but CP's suggested I start it with the vision and most have agreed it works better that way. I guess I will see how more people feel about it. I really appreciate all the feedback. :)
ReplyDeleteYOU ROCK!
ReplyDeleteI just know you made it to round two. Crosses fingers, toes, eyes...and...erm...other stuff.
Thanks Marky Mark (I can't stop now. The seed's been planted) :) I did make it to round two! Yay!! Hope you did too. Thanks for all that crossing. ;)
DeleteSo intriguing! Good luck! :)
ReplyDelete@caitlinsineadj
Thank you! :) And thanks for reading & commenting. Good luck to you, too!
DeleteThis is an awesome pitch and the first 250 - Sheesh! I'm gonna have nightmares! Pulled me right in. Way to go!
ReplyDeleteYay! Thank you, Wendy. :) Well, I'm not glad you're going to have nightmares but I'm very glad you liked it. Thanks for reading!
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ReplyDeleteYour stoгy-telling style iѕ ωitty, kеep it up!
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